I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize