Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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