Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
