Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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