My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
