peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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