i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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