I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
