Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
