I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
