Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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