Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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