My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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