Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
