when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
