Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my being single is dangerous.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
