Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
