Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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