I just made out with a guy for $7.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
