I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
