there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
