Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
