I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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