I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
