you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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