My friends, they love my intelligence
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
