8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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