guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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