You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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