Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
