It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
