He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
