i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
