Betty ford says i'm here all night
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize