What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
