now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
