Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
