TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
