My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
