I think my fart just growled at me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
