Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
