My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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