she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
