Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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