he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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