I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize