Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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