I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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