we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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