She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
