Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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