Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
