im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
