when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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