I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
