so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
