alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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