remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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