i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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