Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
