Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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