Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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