When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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