I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
